When Darkness Descends
by cherrydime
Summary: Tessa is your average, modern high school girl dealing with issues of romance, grades, and fitting in. But combined with her growing depressing and her haunting past, will she manage to find happiness in a world where she only sees darkness?
1. Chapter 1

I love watching the rain fall. The classic _pitter-patter_ we all know and love somehow comforts me. Maybe it's because everything is put in perspective. Rain starts as innocent droplets, just trying to be free of their cloud, their darkness. Yet somehow, along the way, instead of escaping for freedom, they become hurricanes, destroying everything, from the smallest marigold to the tallest redwood, in their path. On their path to escape, somehow these droplets become that darkness they hope to be free of. Maybe I love the rain because it makes me feel less alone...

But then again, maybe I analyze my thoughts too much.

Oh, how I wish I had normal thoughts. Maybe they are normal... But if they are then I don't know how the human race has survived this far without dying off. I depend on others too much to keep me sane, so I can't be normal. Right?

"Hey, Tessa," Charlotte says, snapping me away from my thoughts and back to reality. "Are you okay? You looked like you were dozing off again. Did you get enough sleep last night?"

My response is a little delayed. "Yeah, I'm fine Charlotte. I told you this before, don't worry about me. I'm not worth that brain power"

In reality? Yes, she should be worrying about me. And of course, I know why she worries about me so much. Given what happened last year, anyone who both knew and loved me would not keep me out of their sight...

But then again, Charlotte is the only person who knows anything about last year. And she doesn't even know the important half. The half that would make her bind herself to me so that she could always keep me safe.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. For I can't live in the past anymore. I need to dance in the future.

* * *

"So then Henry texted me 'Well, what if we go to the dance together?' and of course I started internally freaking out because my gosh, I have had a crush on him for ages, and now I finally know Tess! He likes me back! This is, like, the first time anyone has ever reciprocated feeling for me!" Charlotte is jumping up and down by this point. Her light brown hair is tied neatly into a bun for ballet later, and her hazel eyes are bursting with excitement. Plainly shown on her soft, round face is a smile that can make anyone smile right along with her.

"Charlotte, you've literally had a crush on him for a week," I reply, secretly smiling at her silliness.

Charlotte, always quick to respond, says "So? It literally only took Germany a day to begin fighting after declaring war on Russia in World War I. Time is relative. Don't pretend like you're any better. And since you mention it, let's talk about you and Jem now, shall we?"

"I didn't say anything remotely close to Jem," I respond, so confused with my best friend's thought process.

"Well, you basically did, and now that I remember him, spill please."

"There's not much to tell. He moved on, and I... Well, I lived on, I guess. He's with Jessamine now. Whatever spark we might have had is irrelevant now." Oh my Jem. She knows, even if I can't bear to admit it, that I'm still hung up on him. I can just imagine his silky, silver hair in my hands, his matching silver eyes barring into my soul. And his lips, although slightly pale, are whispering in my ear those three little words, kissing my lips with an ever-present smile, trailing small pecks down my neck...

"I knew it" Charlotte says, breaking me out of my fantasy, for the second time today. Oh, how my mind loves to wander... "Well, are you going to talk to him? I mean, you are so much better than Jessamine. You could easily win him over if you wanted to."

"That's the thing. I don't think I can even look at him without remembering that day... Come on, let's get to class."

* * *

High School: either you hate it, or you love it. I tend to lean on the absolute loathing side. Considering I'ver never really belonged to a social group, always being halfway in-between groups, I've had trouble making friends other than Charlotte. I constantly switch back and forth between the "I got an 105 on that test even though there was no extra credit crowd" to the "Thanks for ruining my GPA, calculus" and back again. I'm always in advanced classes, but there is definitely a difference in the kinds of people in these classes.

So as I approach my Calculus class on the first day of school with Charlotte, I am completely shocked to see Jessamine start a conversation with me. Jessamine, with her thick blonde hair curled to perfection and her crisp blue eyes is exactly what I imagine a Nazi to look like. She is too perfect, with the perfect grades in the hardest classes, while still maintaining a sweet, funny, rich, and popular image. And of course, now she has the perfect boyfriend. Well, at least my perfect boyfriend: James Carstairs. Man, I hate her guts.

"Hey Theresa," Jessamine starts, with her sweet, high voice that sounds like a chipmunk.

"It's Tessa."

"Oh, is that a new nickname?" Jessamine cluelessly asks.

"No, I've been going by Tessa for a solid fifteen years now" I reply, trying to get past her.

"That's a really pretty name, Tessa."

"Why are you telling me this? You know I didn't actually choose my name, right?" Jessamine's face starts to flush, and I start feeling bad. But then I remember who I'm talking to. "Do you have a purpose for talking to me?"

"Well, Tessa, I was wondering what you would recommend I get Jem for his birthday. See, it's coming up in a few weeks, and I think you know him better than I do, so..."

"For starters, I recommend giving the gift to him on the right day. His birthday was a month ago, July 21st to be exact. And on a second note, don't you dare ask me for fucking advice about your fucking boyfriend again. I'm not dating him. I have no business knowing what he wants for his birthday. That's your job now. Figure it out your own goddamn self." I'm practically yelling by this point, so fucking pissed that my Jem could even date someone like her.

"Gosh, I'm so sorry Tessa-" Jessamine starts, sadness creeping in on her painted lashes.

"Sorry Jessamine, but don't bother trying anymore." Charlotte fills Jessamine in. "When Tessa gets pissed, you just have to leave her be."

And then, out of the dark corner of my eye, I see a flash of silver, and here an all to familiar voice. One that sounds of sunrises, oceans, fireflies, and spring, all wrapped neatly together.

"Tessa?" the voice questions.

"Wait, baby, did you just call me Jessa?" Jessamine asks, clearly confused by how consonants work.

"Uh, sure," Jem responds, clearly confused.

"Oh my gosh, I absolutely love that nickname you just gave me, Babe! I'm only going to go by Jessa now."

"Wow, I guess I shouldn't be offended, at least she knows my name and doesn't call me babe all the time" I mutter.

"Tessa, don't be cruel, especially to Jessamine." that silky voice counters.

"James Carstairs, what an unpleasant surprise" I return, annoyed with my luck in calculus class, yet trying to hide my ever present love for one party in the conversation.

"Tessa..." Charlotte interrupts, clearly trying to stop an argument she knows is about to arise.

"Oh, sorry, it's Jem right? You're still using that nickname after fifteen years? Jessamine, did you here that? His name is actually Jem, not James! Who would have thought?"

"Tessa, can we talk?" Jem begs, clearly hurt by the way I'm treating him.

"What about? I broke up with you, and you know why. And clearly, you moved on. Although I might suggest someone with a little more street smarts if you can get someone else to fill that void in your heart."

"No Tessa, I don't fucking know what happened between us, and I'd like to talk it over like two sophisticated adults. But I guess I should have known when I decided to talk to you that you would just critique every little action I do just like you always do." Jem is really angry now. He hardly ever gets mad. Even when we were dating, he was never mad at me, or because of me, even if I was fuming. He was happy enough as he was. But I guess we both have changed...

Charlotte, again trying to stop the escalating argument, says "Tessa, leave him alone. You've hurt him enough alre-"

"I'VE hurt HIM? That's a good one Charlotte." My rage is boiling out of my chest at this point. "Remind me again who left me fucking stranded in the middle of an alleyway. And we all know what happened because of that."

"No, Tessa, we all don't know because you wouldn't speak to me after I don't even know what you are talking about. What did I do wrong, Tessa?" His eyes are tearing up at this point. Everyone in class is watching our argument, but I can only see his face, and I bet he can only see mine. "I don't even know why... What did I ever do to hurt you Tessa?"

"Stop using your emotions against me Jem. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that. Goodbye."

And I leave him, standing there, and walk into class. I block Jem out of my mind, and begin reviewing how to find the derivative of a basic function.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for reading! This is my first story on FanFiction, so I'm so sorry if it is absolutely terrible (it probably is). Also, to all you fans of Will, he will be making an appearance in this chapter, so stay tuned! Now, without further ado, here is Chapter 2...

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

"Tessa, you shouldn't have been that harsh to Jem," Charlotte criticizes.

After that big argument, class was a little awkward. Jem was noticeably not paying attention to class. I could feel him staring at me the entire class, but I never found the strength to look at him and at least smile. Everyone was distracted in class, or maybe that was just me. But from my view, even the teacher, Mr. Lightwood, could sense the tension between Jem and I. And after class, Charlotte approached me and we started walking to lunch. Maybe I was a little mean, but he deserved it. _After what he did to me..._

"Maybe not, but he did deserve it, Char," I respond.

"Tessa, you can't blame him for something if he doesn't even know what it is. I'll admit, he is partially to blame, but it really isn't his fault."

"Can we just not talk about this Char?" I start. "I really don't want to think about this right now."

"Fine." Charlotte replies. "But just so you know, you can always talk to me about anything, especially about Jem."

"Okay, Char. But, in case you forgot, we need to discuss Henry more."

Charlotte becomes very excited at the mention of Henry, and she starts talking my ear off about how amazing Henry is, how he always makes her laugh, how during math he flirts with her, how he makes her happy...

And I start thinking of someone I know who used to me feel even better than this. Someone I loved more than life itself. But I guess that's not saying much, considering I would trade lives with anyone in a heartbeat.

My mind, though, starts to wander to a different place. And although I try to fight it, as my best friend is telling me about her happiness, I can't. I can't hear about her good memories when all I have are bad ones. Even those beautiful memories are tarnished with the stain of silver now. I can't imagine another's happiness now, for if everyone else can find happiness in this messed up world, then maybe it's not so messed up. Maybe I'm the one that's messed up.

* * *

 _"You know you don't have to do that" I heard a silky voice whisper._

 _"What?" I questioned, confused about what I was doing was doing wrong._

 _"The effort you are putting into that Short Answer Question" he replied. "He never reads these anyway, so why bother trying?" Of course, someone has to call me out on every little thing I do. I can't even write a sentence without someone critiquing me._

 _Since sarcasm was my friend, I answered, "Well, that's exactly the kind of mindset I like to have, Mr. ..."_

 _"Carstairs." he replied. "James Carstairs."_

 _"Wait... I'm talking to James Carstairs? THE James Carstairs?"_

 _"So you've heard of me," he confirmed._

 _"No," I responded as casually as possible. "Although if I were you, I would reccomend a nickname. Everyone at this school is named James. Maybe something like Cary, or Jimmy, or-"_

 _"Jem," he said, obnoxiously interrupting me. "The name's Jem."_

 _"Well, great first impression you're making Mr. James 'wait it's actually Jem' Carstairs," I replied, trying desperately not falling for his charm. He was definitely charming. A smooth-talker, joking all day long, he was exactly my type. And, although he was definitely not standard on the hotness scale, with both silvery eyes and silvery hair, he was absolutely beautiful._

 _"So are you, Ms. Theresa Gray," he whispered huskily._

 _"Oh, am I really that famous?" I asked, actually confused for once._

 _"Well, no." He said. "But your paper there says 'Theresa Gray', so I figured that's probably your name."_

 _"Always a charmer, it seems," I spoke, mostly to myself. "Please call me Tessa, though."_

 _"Noted, Ms. Gray," he started. "So, how would you like to go to the library with me after school. You know, so I can teach you how to properly BS your way through AP Euro?"_

 _"You are absolutely bonkers," I said as quickly as possible. "I'm already a pro at BS-ing, so if you just want to spend time with me, you're going to have to come up with a better excuse than that." Arrogant? Maybe so. But when responding to a fuckboy, one needs to maintain confidence and poise._

 _"Fine," he replied, faking annoyance. "Would you like to 'hang out' with me?"_

 _"Nope," I replied just as the bell rang. And then I left him sitting there, in that desk, with a stunned look on his face. "Bet you're not used to that, are you Mr. Carstairs," I called after him._

* * *

That memory courses through my head as though it were the alphabet. I didn't even realize how many memories I had of Jem. And in that same moment, I also don't realize where I'm walking, until I feel my nose bang into someone's upper chest. And, of couse, with my luck, my nose starts bleeding all over his shirt.

"Shit," I whisper. "Sorry, I probably should have been watching where I was going."

"Don't worry, no one's dead, so it's all good," a voice I have never heard before replies.

I can't bear to look up, trying to hide my face to postpone embarrassment as much as possible. And in response, my depressed brain says "Yet..."

"What?" the man asks, clearly confused by my darkness.

" 'No one's dead _yet_.' She's just a little crazy, and, well, she's Tessa," Charlotte responds. Is it bad that I forgot she was standing next to me?

"Well, Tessa, we should probably get you to the nurse," he said. "I'll go with you, since I have a bit of blood on my shirt."

"Oh, um, okay," I reply, confused about what's going on. "Bye, Char."

* * *

The whole walk, I hide my face from this mysterious stranger, which is easier to do since I'm trying to stop my nose from bleeding. Even though he learned my name, he didn't know my face yet, so maybe I could manage to save my reputation. Unfortunately for a girl like me, image matters so much more than it should. Even though I barely care about anything, the one thing that always seems to stop me from doing anything notable is my fear of being viewed as lesser. _Maybe the reason I've kept holding back on suicide is my fear of what others will think of me. Am I really_ that _concerned with my appearance that I can't bear for anyone to view me as weak?_

"You don't happen to have HIV, right?" the man asks.

"Why?" I answer, confused at the relevance of this question.

"Well, you got some blood on my shirt, and I might have a cut on that spot, and I'm pretty sure blood can travel that way."

"Are you sure you don't just want to know if I'm a virgin?" I asked, not wanting to reveal this information about myself.

"Well, I am curious about that too. A pretty girl like you must have had a boyfriend or two."

"Yes on the boyfriend," I start. "But no on the pretty girl. And if you knew me better, you would be shocked I've even had a boyfriend..."

"Don't change the topic on me!" he cries. "Although I will get back to that later. But are we a yes or know on the HIV?"

Um..." I start, unsure how to say this. "Probably not... I don't know, I never really checked after..."

"Really?" he asks, his face confused. "You don't seem like the type of girl that would not know."

"Well, what can I say? I wanted to block that memory from my mind."

"Bad breakup?"

"Is there such thing as a good one?"

"Good point, Tessa." _Shit he remembered my name._

"Why thank you..." I begin, unsure of his name.

"Will. Nice to meet you," He says, extending his arm.

"I wish I could say the same, but considering I just throughly embarrassed myself in front of you..." While I'm speaking, I look at him for the first time in this entire conversation. And my gosh, he is hot. He has jet-black hair with pale skin in contrast. Mixed with a muscular face and a great body, he's every girl's dream. But that's not the shocking thing about him. His eyes. His eyes are unlike anything I have ever seen before. Their color is indescribable, so deep and blue that I could spend all day looking at them and still not believe they existed. _Oh, how I want to just look at him all day, and stroke his hair, and just stare into his eyes..._ But there's one problem with him, which is the problem I find with every guy I find attractive: he is a total fuckboy.

My face must have shown my thoughts, because, unfortunately for me, his response makes me wish I never met him. He wiggles his eyebrows with a big smirk on his face, and replies, "Do you want to go somewhere a little more private?"

The embarrassing thing, though, isn't that he suggested this. It's that I want to say yes. But I can't give him that satisfaction, so I reply, "Wow, you're willing to risk HIV for a silly little hook-up?"

In response, he leans closer to me, his mouth as my neck, his breath tracing down my back, and huskily whispers, "Who said this was just a hook-up?"

I shiver slightly, unable to control my body's response to him. And I realize that my nose has stopped bleeding. Trying to regain my focus, though, I stutter "Wh-who are you ag-again?"

"William Herondale, but I go by Will. I used to live here a couple years ago, but I moved to Wales a few years ago. I just got back here last week."

"Shit," I breathe. _How could I not see it earlier?_

"Is that a problem?" he asks. "I can't really change my identity, if it is. But I would still like to get to know you better if you're free on-"

"You're Jem's best friend," I confirm with him. "The one he was best friends with before you moved to Wales, the one that he tells everything."

"Yes, but I don't really see how that's relevant to what I was about to ask you." he says, clearly a little annoyed. "Why, do you know him?"

"Yeah, you could say that. We aren't exactly on the best of terms right now, though." My mind is realing. I can't fathom the idea of Jem knowing that I met Will. "Just don't tell him that we met."

"Why, is something wrong?" he asked, his confusion evident. And as Will says those words, I see a speck of silver out of the corner of my eye.

"I have to go," I mutter, as I run off to find Charlotte and eat my lunch, trying to escape my ever present-past, and hoping to get away before it catches me.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as I certainly enjoyed writing it. Why did Tessa leave so quickly? What is wrong with her knowing Will? What past is she referring to? What will happen when Tessa sees Jem again? All this (and more) will be revealed in the next chapter (Along with more glimpses into Tessa's dark mind)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I am so sorry it has been a while since my last update. I really don't have a good excuse, but a promise I will update more in the coming weeks. Also,thank you so much for reading! I can't express enough how happy it makes me that someone is actually interested in my writing, as I have never shared any of it before. This chapter is also going to include some other POV, so stay tuned!

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

Tessa POV

As I sit down next to Charlotte to eat, a million thoughts race through my head. _Will..._ Someone I never thought I'd meet, but somehow has such a significant impact on my life.

"Tell me everything!" Charlotte says. "Oh my, he was so dreamy. I can't believe you just walked right into him."

"Mhmm..." I mutter, focused on my thoughts, and not this background noise all around me. _Will Herondale..._

"You okay, girl?" Charlotte asks. "He didn't like hurt you, right?"

"No, no, he's fine," I start. "Well... He's not fine actually. He's Will. Herondale."

"Will?" Charlotte replies, just as shocked as I am. "You mean, Jem's..."

"Best friend? The one that helped ruin our relationship? The one from... That night..."

I involuntarily drift my hand up to my necklace, the one that, to this day, hangs upon my neck, for a reason I don't know why. So familiar around my neck, even though I have only had it for a year; so comforting, even though it shouldn't be. And soon I begin to drift out of the conversation, favoring my horrid thoughts over Charlotte's joyous chatter.

* * *

 _"You know I'm really not who you think I am, Ms. Gray" I heard that silky smooth voice whisper again._

 _"And what would that be?" I replied, desperately fighting my body's desire to curl my fingers into his silvery hair._

 _"A, uh, 'fuckboy', as all the ladies say now of days."_

 _"Well, great use of the word 'ladies', if I might say. But do you really expect me to believe that?"_

 _He stood there for a minute, unsure how to respond. His brows started to curl, his face was deep in concentration. Yet somehow, all I could think of was his lips pressed against mine. Something I had never imagined before. But I guess somehow, he had this effect on me._

 _"Yes," he finally replied. "And I will give you a great reason to say yes."_

 _"Alrighty then. Let's hear it."_

 _"Well, for starters, I have never had a girlfriend before-"_

 _"Doesn't mean you aren't a 'fuckboy as the ladies would say'."_

 _"No, it doesn't but if you want, you can ask my best friend in any way possible, without him knowing any of this."_

 _"Yes, because I believe that." Man, this boy was relentless. "Fine, what's his name?"_

 _"Will. Although he doesn't go to school here. He moved away a couple years ago to Wales."_

 _"Awfully convenient, isn't it," I said, turning away from this silver-haired beauty while my body protested._

 _"Wait, Tess, stop," he cried. "I really want to get to know you better. I promise, I just tried that 'bad-boy' type just that once because I thought it would work. I mean, Will does that all the time and he gets every girl he wants."_

 _"Trying to get my sympathy now, are you?" I smiled. He was actually pretty sweet. As long as this was his true self._

 _"Here, I'll prove it to you," he began, rustling through his backpack. "Ah, here it is," he said after a few seconds._

 _I looked up and saw a delicate little necklace hanging from Jem's fingertips. There was a thin, silver chain shining in the light. And on the edge of the chain was a pendant. One I had never seen before, one practically indescribable. I moved closer to it, carefully examining the shape. It looked almost like a machine, but it was much to delicate. For some reason it reminded me of the inner-workings of a clock._

 _I looked back at Jem, and I saw him staring at me, his eyes beaming, his lips curling upwards._

 _"It's called a 'clockwork angel,' " he whispered, as I was now so close to him._

 _And upon looking closer, I realized the pendant was an angel, except it was made of gears instead of light. "It's beautiful," I whispered, still marveling at this beautiful object._

 _"I want you to have it," Jem said, his face dead serious. "As proof. That I am not here to just fuck and dump. I actually want to go on a date with you."_

 _"I can't accept this," I said, although my heart so desperately wanted that delicate charm around my neck. "And, sweetie," I started, looking up. "You don't really want to go out with me. You know my reputation."_

 _He looked back at me in surprise. "What sort of reputation is this?"  
_

 _I carefully took the necklace from his fingers, and moved my hands, with the necklace, behind his neck. I moved closer toward him, my body gently touching his, just enough so that I could feel his body tensing up. He involuntarily pressed his body closer to mine, and I smiled. Clearly I had the same effect on him that he had on me. I ran my hands through his hair a few times, marveling in how smooth it was. And I grazed my lips across his ear, slightly licking it, and whispered "I have no fucking idea."_

 _"That," he said, catching his breath, "was really hot. Until the end, I mean."_

 _"You're welcome. Now you see me for who I really am," I said jokingly._

 _"Yes," he whispered. "A girl worth fighting for."_

 _"Did you just quote Mulan?" I asked. Now_ this _was my kind of guy._

 _"Is that bad?"_

 _"No," I said, and he released a breath he was holding. "It's absolutely perfect."_

 _"So what do you say? You willing to take this necklace off my hands?"_

 _"On one condition," I smirked._ I can't believe I'm actually agreeing to this. _"Meet me at the library after school."_

 _"Change your mind about that BS-ing lesson?"_

 _"Not at all," I responded._ Does he actually think I need help in that department? _"But I have a lovely plan..."_

 _"Well, then, I guess this belongs to you now," he said._

 _"I suppose it does." I smiled like an absolute idiot, but I didn't care. He was so cute and dreamy and funny. And our little banters? Oh, it was just like a story from a book..._

But as it tuns out, it was nothing like that perfect fairy tale I imagined. At first, maybe so. But fairy tales don't end in chaos.

* * *

Will POV

I smile for the first time in ages. A true smile, not out of lust, or humor, but one out of pure happiness. Maybe it's the town, or the feeling of being home, or the raging hormones, or the idea that I will see Jem again. But then again, I wasn't smiling like this until after I met her.

 _Tessa_... Even just her name is beautiful, the way it starts harsh and precise, but eventually, through a simple maze of letters, ends with an "a" and a smile. I stand there, in the outdoor hall where she left me, like an idiot, just mouthing her name over and over, wondering if I will ever have the ability to give it justice - to say her name as it should be: beautiful.

Everything about her is so perfect, from what I've seen at least. From her silken, chestnut locks that frame her soft face, to her heartwarming smile, she may not be the classic definition of beauty, but to me, she was.

But then, there is so much more, too. The way the corners of her lips curled up and her eyebrows raised as she questioned me still has me practically speechless. Even though I just met her, I can already see something about her personality that makes me so drawn to her. I don't know what it is, maybe her method of questioning me, or her evident use of sarcasm, or the way she became quickly embarrassed when I joked with her. _Maybe I wasn't actually joking though..._

But what really struck me about her were her eyes. From afar, they may look simply brown and plain. However, upon a closer examination, I noticed their various depths. I saw something I had never seen before in someone's eyes: they were lifeless. It almost seemed as though she was dead, just by the appearance of her eyes. Something horrible must have happened to her recently for her to be this unhappy.

Although this emptiness would cause many to turn away, it only drew me closer. For I also noticed a glimmer of hope a few times when I spoke. And if there's one thing I want to achieve in my life, it's that I want to influence someone's life for the better. Maybe I could help her...

"Will!" I hear a familiar voice call. Someone who is practically my brother comes running up to me.

"Jem," I say, smiling. I wrap him in a big hug quickly.

"How are you, man" Jem says to me, a huge smile covering his face.

"Great, and you?"

"I'm fine," he responds, looking down. I know something is up with him.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Well," he starts, "if I'm being honest, I've kinda had a rough day today. I had a fight with my ex."

"Oh, dude that sucks. Is it that Sophie girl?"

"What?" he asks. Then, for some reason, maybe he remembered something, he says "Oh, right yeah her."

"Well, you can always talk to me." I respond. "She was an idiot for dumping you in the first place."

"I don't even know why-" he begins, but I cut him off.

"No, Jem, you have spent too long getting over this girl. It's time to move on."

"Maybe you're right," Jem says.

"I know I'm right," I respond, barely able to keep the conversation on Jem. All I want is to talk about Tessa. Even though she told me not to tell Jem that we met, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Hey, so I just met this girl, and she is absolutely perfect," I start. "Her name's Tessa, do you know her?"

Jem's face fills with shock as I say this. His eyes, wide, staring, are full of fear. After a couple seconds, he finally shakes it off. "Um, yeah, you could say that."

"I mean I only just met her but I actually really like her. And we talked, and apparently she is not a virgin but whatever-"

"Wait what?" Jem asked, his face transforming into something I had never seen before. "She's had sex?"

"Apparently it was with a an ex she had a bad breakup with," I respond, a bit confused. "Why is that important?"

"She told me she was a virgin..."

"Well, maybe it's changed since then?" I say, unsure how to act around Jem in this state.

"No, no, no, she not the type to just fuck someone random."

"Wait, Jem, I'm confused."

"And we never had sex," he continues.

"What?" I ask, really confused at this point. What was he saying? Did he used to date Tessa? "Wait, I thought that Sophie girl was the only person you ever dated." I stare closely at Jem, noticing his face. It almost looks like he's struggling to do mental math. "Jem, are you okay?"

"No," he blurts. "I'm not." He was struggling to conceal pain, but I know him too well. "I need find Tessa."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Sorry this chapter is really bad, I just really wanted to get something out there since it has been a while since I last posted. Thank you so much for reading, and I promise (pinky swear) it will get better! See you at the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for reading! Here is chapter four, as promised. This chapter is a little different, as it is more backstory. Let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

I often wonder. My brain, for some bizarre reason, needs to always have thoughts playing throughout, whether it be the plot of my latest novel or my math homework or any number of unimportant worries. But unfortunately for me, there is one topic my mind just loves to focus on: me.

As egotistical as it may sound, I think about myself and my life much more than I should, or than I let on. I mean, I'm doing so right now, just talking to myself in my head. And it confuses me. I spend so much time playing experiences (both actual and theoretical) over and over, again and again inside my head in a never-ending loop of anger until I finally think of a new topic. And then that new topic absorbs my thoughts until the next one shows up. And this cycle just keeps continuing, haunting my mind at every moment possible.

For example, an hour ago, I was obsessed with what Jem would think of me, talking to Will. I was busy criticizing my stupidity, and imagining what I would say to him. My brain could not focus on anything else; it was obsessed with my love life. But that was an hour ago. For, now, my thoughts have changed from my present, to my past.

Right now I can't stop replaying an old childhood dream I used to have. As a young girl, my parents and I would move around a lot. From Portland to Austin to Boston, we never stayed in one place for over a year, until we eventually settled in New York when I was eleven, and later Palo Alto, part of Silicon Valley in California, when I was thirteen. But there was one place from my past that I could never get out of my head: San Francisco.

I loved San Francisco so much. My dad, Richard, and I used to go to Crissy Field, a nearby beach, and fly kites all day on Sundays. My mom, Elizabeth, and brother, Nate, would come too, but they would spend their time building sandcastles, each one more creative and more gigantic than the last. And we would eat a nice picnic lunch, huddled under blankets to try to stay warm. As Mark Twain famously never said, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." And unfortunately for me, my body wasn't the only part suffering from an extreme chill that summer; my mind faced the cold for the first time then as well.

It all started with a simple nightmare. Maybe it was elaborate for a seven year-old, but I guess my fears were well developed by then. The dream started sweet, but there was an eerie feel to it. It started with a family dinner to my favorite restaurant in all of San Francisco: McCormick's in Ghirardelli Square. We walked into the restaurant, my mother, father, brother, and me, and sat down at a table with a gorgeous view of the waterfront. But when I looked outside, the clouds were dark and stormy. Nevertheless, we began our family chatter and ignored all the warnings.

The waiter came by to take our drink orders. My mom asked for her standard cabernet, and my dad ordered some local beer. Nate and I both got Shirley Temples, since it was a special occasion. I don't even know what we were celebrating in my dream, but it was something important. I looked at my mom while we were talking, but she seemed preoccupied. I became very nervous, especially with the ominous setting. Then, my mother excused herself to go to the bathroom. After a minute, I went to the bathroom as well, very nervous as to my mother's condition.

As I was walking there, I looked out the window for a second, and saw my mother, standing on the edge of this big, metal structure that hung over the bay. It looked so unstable, especially with the ocean churning underneath, ready to strike at any given moment. I noticed a door, and walked, towards my mother. I looked closely at her face from the side. She hadn't noticed me yet; she was deeply concerned with her own thoughts. It seemed as though she was debating something big, something life changing. Looking back on this nightmare, I know she really was debating suicide. But in my second grade mind, I couldn't fathom this, even though somehow my subconscious created this.

As I walked closer to my mom, I noticed her body tensing, prepared to jump. And then, I cried out, "Mom."

She turned toward me, her brown eyes full of pain and sadness. She bit her lip, and started to walk towards me.

Just as she took the first step, the structure shook. Everything shook. The waves clashed more, and as I looked inside the restaurant, the tables clattered. People ducked under the tables for protection from anything falling from the ceiling. I noticed Nate and my dad crouching under the tables, and I turned to look for my mom, but she wasn't there.

I looked down, and saw her, lower than me. Only part of the metal structure fell, and she was on a lower level than I was on, one closer to the bay than to me. As I looked down, I knew I had to decide: either I could try to save my mother, but probably die in the process, or go back inside and hide under a table, saving myself and almost certainly killing my mother.

And that's when I woke up. To this day, after having this nightmare countless times, and after much analyzing, I still have no idea what I would do in this situation.

But the dream wasn't haunting at all compared to what happened next. Exactly a two years after the first time I dreamed this nightmare, I found my mother, dead, on the bathroom floor of our rented house in Los Angeles. There was a bottle of pills laying next to her. She suffered clinical depression for a while, and I guess she finally snapped. It's genetic, so I guess that explains me, too. What kills me the most is that I thought she was happier. I though we made her happy. I thought we were enough. I thought I was enough. But I guess I was wrong.

The one thing I can't wrap my head around, though, is that somehow, in my dream-induced state, I knew she needed help. Yet my immature mind didn't do anything about it. It could all be my fault. And, of course, my mom's death is what led to the downward spiral in my family. My father just wasn't the same without my mother, and after two years as an alcoholic, he ended up crashing his car on the way home from a typical night at the bar in Orlando.

After that, Nate and I went to live with our Aunt Harriet in New York. Once he turned eighteen, Nate moved to Silicon Valley in California (more specifically, Palo Alto) and made a startup company. After a year, I joined him there, when I was thirteen. In my time in Palo Alto since then, Nate's become quite successful, although I still don't really understand what his company does. We have enough money for the two of us, between the money our parents left us and Nate's salary. Nate is busy most of the time with his job, so it feels like I live on my own. Although I wish he were home more, I don't mind feeling alone. I just get more time to think. Which I guess maybe isn't a good thing.

Although I did enjoy staying with Aunt Harriet, I just couldn't stay in New York anymore. I was so sick and tired of everyone treating my like a broken child. I know I'm broken. I've been so ever since my mom died. But it makes it so much worse when people know. They look at me with pity, and can't seem to have a normal conversation with me at all. I needed a fresh start, and what place is better than a place that creates new innovations every day.

And now, I'm here. Gunn High School. A place where no one knows about my past. A sanctuary for me. Somewhere people treated me as a normal person, even though I'm far from normal. Even though maybe I should ask for help, and receive counseling for either my mother's death or her genetics, in an almost twisted way, it's easier to go without. It's easier for me to forget I have a problem than to address it.

That's why I maintain one close friend, Charlotte, who knows everything about me. She's the only person who knows any part of my past, aside from the school guidance counselor. The only person I willingly told. The one reason I told her was that I knew she wouldn't look at me differently, for she had experienced death before. She knows how death changes you, but she also knows how it's the last thing you ever want to think about. But somehow you can't stop thinking about it. Death stays in your head, even when you don't want it there. Even when you don't know it's there, it's there - watching and controlling your every move. And before you know it, death has taken you, for himself.

Although I suppose I did lie. Charlotte wasn't the only person I've told my past to. I mean, there was that one time with Jem...

* * *

 _"So..." he started. Jem and I had been doing homework at the library for a solid hour at this point without even really talking. Sure, we had finished our Stats homework together, since we both have the same teacher, but that didn't really count. The only thing I knew about him now that I didn't know before was that he was terrible at probability._

 _"Sew buttons..." I said casually, while smiling._

 _His reaction was priceless. He looked at me in utter confusion, and I tried so hard to prevent myself from laughing but I just couldn't hold it in. And then he stared at me, even more confused than before, while I continued to tear up due to the amount of laughter. Then he started laughing with me, and we kept laughing, rather loudly, might I add, until the librarian came by and told us to be quiet._

 _"Tell me about yourself," Jem said, rather commanding._

 _Now it was my turn to be confused. No one had ever asked me about my life. Most people just assumed it was just as boring as theirs, which I suppose mine is. Nothing really notable has happened to me. I'm not particularly good at anything, and I'm not particularly funny, or special, so people just assume my life is just like that. And I suppose they're right. Well, except for my 'tragic' past._

 _"What do you want to know?" I responded._

 _"Anything," he replied, staring deep into my eyes - my soul. "Everything."_

 _"Well, there's a lot to me. But at the same time, there's almost nothing to me. So please, what do you want to know?"_

 _"Let's start small," he continued. "Where did you live before you moved here?"  
_

 _"How did you know-"  
_

 _"That you aren't from here? Well, I've happened to notice the way you speak. And let me just say, you do not know any Northern California slang."_

 _"What? I do to know Northern California slang."_

 _"See, right there," he began. "No one in NorCal says 'Northern California'. It's NorCal. And, if I may add, yesterday in history, you looked so confused when I said D hall was hella sketch."_

 _"Are you kidding me right now? That is how you figured out I'm not from 'NorCal'?"_

 _"Yes. So, tell me your story."_

 _"Alrighty then," I started. "I was born in upstate New York, but we moved to Hoboken, I know, don't judge, like a month after I was born. Anyway, after that we bounced around a lot, from coast to coast, and even London for a little bit. See, my mom was a photographer, and my dad wrote a lot of books on travel. We had to move around a bit."_

 _"Tessa, are you okay?" Jem asked, concerned._

 _"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I said quickly, trying to hide the tears that were forming in my eyes._

 _"I noticed you talked about your parents in the past tense..._ _" he calmly stated._

 _"They passed away a few years back," I answered, a tear slipping silently down my cheek._

 _"I'm sorry for bringing it up, and making you think about it," Jem added. "But, if you ever want to talk about it, or really anything, please, talk to me."_

 _"Thanks," I whispered._

* * *

 _"You have got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed, so utterly confused by this man before me._

 _After a few hours at the library, Jem and I left, and following some well-deserved ice cream, he began to walk me home._

 _"What's wrong with dogs?" he said._

 _"Nothing's_ wrong _with dogs," I declared. "Cats are just better. You know, I bet you've never even seen a cat before."_

 _"I've seen many, okay?"_

 _"No, not okay. You are going to goddamn love cats, if it is the last thing I do."_

 _"I'll make you a deal," he replied. "You see that cat right there?" he nodded toward a cat. It seemed to be a stray, with no collar. It looked like a Persian Longhair, with fur almost the color blue and yellow eyes. Its face was a bit squashed, and its ears folded in, just like a Persian Longhair, and it was just precious._

 _I nodded slightly, and waited for his reply._

 _He carefully walked closer and closer towards me, his lips suddenly a couple inches from mine. "I'll take that home and keep it, under one condition."_

 _"What's that?" I asked, distracted by the proximity of our bodies, our breaths, our lips._

 _"If you let me kiss you, right now, I'll take it home and love it more than I would a dog."_

 _"You know," I whispered, my lips slightly parted, "I don't think you're supposed to negotiate a kiss."_

 _"So is that a yes?" he asked, his lips less than an inch from mine at this point._

 _"I guess the only way you'll find out is if you kiss me." I murmured._

 _That was all the permission he needed, for gently pressed his lips on mine. He kissed me gently, sweetly, as though we had all the time in the world, and just wanted to savor this moment. My arms curled around his neck, gently playing with his soft hair, and his hands caressed my face ever so slightly._

 _I pulled away after a little bit, and smiled. Looking up at the man in front of me, I saw a grin reflected back at me._

 _"So does this mean you're taking the cat?" I begged. It was just so cute, I wanted to spread the love of cats around._

 _"Really?" he asked. "That's the only reason you went along with that, isn't it."_

 _"No," I admitted. "It wasn't."_

 _"Fine," he started, still smiling. He walked over to the cat, and picked it up. Surprisingly, it seemed to enjoy Jem's presence. "My mom's gonna be thrilled when I bring her home."_

 _I chuckled softly. "See you tomorrow?" I asked._

 _"Yes, ma'am," affirmed. While walking away, he added, "have fun finishing that outline."_

 _"Don't remind me," I called after him._

 _Upon walking inside my house, I leaned against the door, sliding to the ground. I was still basking in the moment of my first kiss. It wasn't anything like I imagined. After all, he wasn't in my dreams, and I certainly wasn't fighting about the superiority of cats in my head. But it was still simple, and perfect - something I usually don't experience in my life._

* * *

 **Author's Note:** As always, thank you so much for reading. I know the beginning was a little different than usual, but nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. What will happen once Jem confronts Tessa (in present time) about who she slept with? Will Tessa be able to fall for Will know that she knows he is Jem's best friend? And how will the death of her family continue to shape Tessa's actions? Keep reading to find out!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Sorry this chapter is a bit shorter, but I need to do the next part in a separate chapter. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

As I walk home, I try to erase the events of today from my mind. I focus on the music blazing through my headphones. Recently, I have been obsessed with the soundtrack from La La Land, for it combines my love of romance and my obsession with sadnesses. I can both relate to the bitterness of life, while simultaneously enjoy a beautiful love story. So, instead of driving, I decide to walk to and from school, with tears dripping slowly out of the crinkles in my eyes.

Most of the juniors at my school choose to drive. I could drive, if I wanted to, but there's something nice about the peaceful walk. While walking, I get to observe the world, instead of being a part of it. I don't have to think, or participate, but rather just watch others. I am able to have a new perspective on life, and be a new person - one who hasn't lived in troubles, and who is simply innocent and there.

But when I finally reach my house, I am reminded of my life, and I sink back to myself.

Nate isn't home yet when I arrive, but then again, he's usually not home until nine or ten. So instead of telling him about my life, like I used to tell my mom, I just do my homework and illegally watch my latest TV obsession. At around seven, I decide to make some pasta for dinner, and make a bit extra for Nate in case he hasn't eaten. Usually, I wait up for Nate in the living, but I didn't feel like it today. Instead, I pretend to sleep, and after he gets home and goes to sleep, I read quietly in bed until I fell asleep.

* * *

"Tessa, I have to tell you something," Nate says to me as I walk into the kitchen in the morning.

"Sorry I didn't wait up," I mutter, anticipating his thoughts. "I was feeling a bit sick."

"Oh, that's fine. Anyway, so you know Axel Mortmain, right?"

Of course I know Axel Mortmain. Everyone knows him. He's infamous. I, of course, have other reasons for knowing him.

"You mean the guy that owned the Pandemonium Club?"

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Nate affirms.

"Um, you do realize that the Pandemonium club is a high class strip club that extorted a bunch of successful businessmen, right? And that when Mortmain was put on trial for almost any crime you could possibly think of, he was declared innocent because he literally paid everyone off?"

"Well, he's thinking of buying my startup. Isn't that great?"

"No, it's not. Do I actually have to spell it out for you? He's evil."

"Tessie-bear, I know what I'm doing," Nate assures.

"No, you really don't!" I argue back. "Look, I have to go to school, but just promise me you won't do anything stupid until we talk about this?"

"You know, sometimes you act like you're older than me."

"Well, maybe if you didn't want to sell your business to a psychopath I wouldn't have to."

"Okay, okay, we'll talk about it tonight."

"Yeah, we better," I say, right before storming out of the house and towards school.

* * *

Just like every morning, I meet up with Charlotte about two blocks away from school, and we walk in together, so we don't have to face the wretchedness, also known as high school, together.

"Hey Char," I say in my usual, excited-borderline-sarcastic tone. I do actually care about her. It may not seem like it, since I use sarcasm so often to hide my true meaning when speaking to her, but I really do care for her. I know she is he best person I could ever hope to meet.

"Hey girl," she responds with her ever-so-cheery voice. She's always so kind and sincere to everyone. Except with me. She always has that voice, it's a part of her that will never go away. But she does reveal her deeper thoughts to me - the ones that clash with her seemingly-sweet personality.

"So what's going on with you?" I ask.

"The usual. I baked cookies last night though. You want one?"

"Do you really have to ask that question?"

She hands me the tub, laughing blissfully, as if she has no thoughts keeping her awake at night. "You know those were intended to share right?"

"Want one?"

"I actually do, thank you for offering _me_ one of _my own_ cookies," she hints, using more sarcasm than usual.

"Charlotte, I have literally no sympathy for you. You know what happens when you have cookies."

"Whatever, Tessa. Although I do want to talk to you about something."

"What's that?" I struggle to say with a mouthful of cookies.

"You know that you can talk to me about anything in your life, right?" She looks at me, concerned. She never looks like that, except when she's with only me. "Whether it be what happened over the summer, or your parents, or anything else messed up in your life, I'm always here for you."

"Charlotte, you don't have to worry about me. I'm completely fine." In reality, no, I'm not fine. But I can't bear to tell the person whose perception of me I care the most about that I'm nowhere close to being okay.

"Tessa..." she starts, a flicker of disappointment in her tone.

"Char, I'm fine."

"No, Tessa, you really aren't. I know you. Just, when are you going to ask for help?" The anger in her voice was audible to anyone now.

"There's literally no need for me to ask!"

"Fine, I'll drop it," she mutters, walking slightly faster than me.

But, somehow, I knew this conversation wasn't over.

* * *

When we finally arrived at school, Charlotte left me to talk to some of her choir friends for a bit. They were a bit to outgoing for me, so I decided to awkwardly walk around school until the bell rang. But fortunately for me, I didn't have to be branded a loaner, as I ran into an unexpected guest during my meandering.

"You ever gonna tell me about that time where you might have gotten HIV?"

I turn around until I was facing deep blue eyes. Well, considering the fact that he is half a foot taller than me, I suppose I'm not looking directly into his eyes. But somehow, that piercing stare seems to be looking less at my eyes, and more at my soul. And then I continue walking, with him running to catch up.

"Well, as long as our 'relationship' continues down this path, Mr. Herondale, I'm going to go with no. Never. Not in the cards for you."

"From my view, this 'relationship' seems to be progressing in a very different way," he jokes.

I stop walking for a moment, and spin towards him. "And what way would that be?"

"The way that controls all my thoughts and dreams ever since the moment I laid eyes on you."

I brush off this comment as much as possible. "Sexual?" I ask. But his words seem so much more than that, in a way I wouldn't expect from Will.

"Well I suppose that's included in the term girlfriend, isn't it?"

I smile for a moment, but then I remember who I'm speaking to. Of course he's saying this. He practically does this for a living. "I don't think you realize quite what that word means, Mr. Herondale."

"And you do, Ms. Gray?"

"More than you, I'm sure."

"I highly doubt that," he whispered. His eyes seem to drift off as he says that, and I start to think maybe there is something more to him. But no, that can't be.

"Mr. Herondale, you should know better than to lie."

"Why would you think I'm lying?" He seems genuinely confused by this, and I wonder how he could not know how much of a player he is.

"Maybe it's that all of my interactions with you thus far have proved the exact opposite of what you're saying?"

"And I'm supposed to believe that, deep down, you're exactly as you try to appear?" He's beginning to yell at this point. It's evident how frustrated he is with me, but yet I don't know why.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you expect me to believe that you are actually happy? Cause from my careful observations, that's the way you try to portray yourself. And I know that's not true."

"Whatever," I start, pretty ticked off that he would say something like that to me. "But if those are actually your hopes and dreams, you're doing a terrible job at making them come true."

I begin to walk away, but he grabs my arm for a second. He bites his lip, as if contemplating what to say. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "But in actuality, you should probably talk to Jem. I let something that you told me slip in front of him yesterday, and he seemed pretty pissed. I don't know anything other than what you told me, but I just thought you should know."

Shit. He told Jem I'm not a virgin. I just know it. "Thanks for the warning," I say in a softer tone that before. "And the apology, I guess." I pause for a minute, trying to collect my thoughts. This was the moment I feared for a few months now. "I have to go find Jem."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** As always, thanks for reading. What will happen when Jem confronts Tessa? How will Tessa and Will's relationship develop? Will Nate actually sell his business to Mortmain? And what happened to Tessa over the summer? Keep reading to find out! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for your patience for this next chapter... I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

It's weird how much I still know about Jem, even though we barely speak. His habits haven't changed much since our breakup. He still eats lunch every day on the steps in the quad, eating whatever he could find while rushing to get ready in the morning. He still goes to the library after school every day, sometimes with his friends, but most of the time alone, sitting there, doing his homework silently. But most importantly for me, at least now, he still goes to the band room every morning to practice his violin. So of course that's where I'm headed.

I still don't know what I'm going to say to him. He's one of the few people in this world that I deeply care about, even though we never speak. I don't think I will ever stop loving him, but I know that I will never be able to love him romantically again. But it's hard to remember all the ways he has hurt me while listening to his violin.

There are some people in this world that are simply talented. They put in all the effort they possibly can, and somehow make difficult tasks seem easy. And Jem is one of those people. I stand in the doorway of the music room, staring at the man with silvery hair swaying ever so slightly to the music he is playing. In every note he plays, I can hear all of his pain, his hardships, they all just seem to flow out of him and directly into the music of the violin. I begin to close my eyes, my body physically responding to the music, my mind suddenly becoming blank. But then, all of the sudden, the music stops.

I open my eyes and watch Jem. Tears are dripping down his face, and I notice him start to scribble on a piece of paper on a stand. I realize quickly that he is composing a piece, something he has never done before. And soon, he begins to speak.

"What to name, what to name this fricken piece," Jem mutters under his breath. He's talking to himself, something he has always done when he is too overwhelmed with emotions.

"Oh I know. How about 'My Ex is a Crazy, Cheating Liar'? That seems like a good title. Although who am I kidding? Of course she was. She had no business being involved with me. She was probably just using me so that people would know who she is. And I fell for it. I fell for her, too. Hard." He takes a deep breath, as if trying to let go of everything he was still holding on to. "And how does she repay me? She goes off and sleeps with someone behind my back, when she knew how much I fucking loved her. So clearly, she never could have loved me the way I loved her..."

Tears begin to well up in my eyes as well. Does he really think all those things about me? He thinks I lied to him the whole time? I'm tempted to walk in now, and tell him all of that isn't true, and tell him the truth about what happened that night. But I know I can't do that. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. He's better off not knowing the truth. He's happier this way, I'm sure.

"Jem?" a sweet, innocent voice asks. "Are you okay?" Jessamine, just appearing from one of the practice rooms in the band room, walks over to Jem, and wraps him in a tight embrace.

Jem leans into her hug, his tears falling on her shirt. Neither of them have seen me yet, and I want to keep it that way, so I turn to leave. But just as I begin to look away, I notice Jem's lips less than an inch away from Jessamine's. Both of their eyes close, and she kisses Jem.

I try to ignore the lump in my throat. After all, Jem and I are no longer together, so he can kiss whoever he wants to. But for some reason, it stays there, and my eyes water even more than before. And this time, I actually turn away to leave. But as I'm walking away, I swear I hear him say "Tessa", faintly, instead of Jessamine.

* * *

 _As I entered history that day, a mix of both nervousness and excitement consumed me. After all, this is the first time I saw Jem after that kiss. I had no idea how he'd act, or really anything that would happen between us. All I knew is that I couldn't wait to see him again. I approached my desk, and Jem was already there, waiting to talk to me._

 _"You know, my mom is really pissed about that cat," he told me. "She doesn't like cats too much."_

 _"How does she not like cats?" I responded, actually confused. "They are literally the best animal in the world."_

 _"I have no idea, although. She named it Church, though, so that ought to tell you something."_

 _"How?"_

 _"Oh, I probably should have led with this. My mom hates going to church. Her mom made her go when she was a child, and she resented her mom for her entire life because of it."_

 _A small laugh escapes me. "You know, as per our agreement, you're supposed to love that cat, not name it after something you hate," I reminded him._

 _"Hey, my mom named him," Jem started. "And then the name just kinda stuck. He really seems to like that name."_

 _"It still kinda feels like breaking the rules, just saying..."_

 _"You know, you look really beautiful today," Jem whispered._

 _I looked down at what I was wearing. It was nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular t-shirt and jeans, with my standard flip flops. And I had no makeup on, so there was nothing really that would make me stand out as particularly beautiful. Especially not compared to Jessamine, who sat one seat in front of me. But for some reason, he complimented me. And it was a sincere compliment, something I had never heard from anyone besides my mother._

 _The thought of her brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I was smiling. "Thanks," I said back. "You have no idea how much that means to me."_

 _He stared at me, a concerned stare covering his usually friendly face. "Tessa, why are you crying?"_

 _Somehow, him asking me this only made me cry more, so I ducked my head very quick and tried to cover my tears. It didn't work though. He could see right through me._

 _"Tessa, don't cry," he ordered. His soothing voice seemed to have just the right mix of concern and command. "Hey, look at me." I looked slightly upwards, directly into his eyes. And somehow, those silver eyes put everything in perspective, and I stopped crying._

 _After a moment of pure silence, he kissed me. I was not expecting that kiss, but my eyes instinctively shut once my lips felt his. But, after a moment of tasting his sweet lips, the bell rang, and we quickly sprang apart._

 _After smiling to myself for a second, I glanced quickly around the room, trying to see if anyone noticed. Everyone was staring at me. My smile faded. All those stares reminded me of before I moved to Palo Alto - when everyone saw me, not for me, but as the girl with dead parents. Except, this time, I was the girl who kissed the boy out of her league. Even though the stares weren't of pity, I couldn't handle them. I can't have people looking at me. It just brings up too many bad memories._

 _So I just stood up and left class, crying as I walked to the bathroom._

* * *

"Tessa?" Will's concerned voice snaps me out of my day dream. "Why are you crying? Did something happen with Jem?"

It's only then that I realize there are tears streaming down my face. I'm not even that sad, but somehow, just that memory makes me weep of sadness and regret. "Nothing happened. It's not a big deal."

"Look, if I said something to him that ruined your relationship-"

"It's fine. You didn't do anything wrong. I did." With this thought, I begin to cry a bit more. "It was all my fault," I whisper.

Will tries to hug me, but I flinch at his touch. I squirm away, out of his reach, and calm my crying.

I open my mouth to speak, trying to summon the calmest voice I can to talk to Will. "I'm fine, Will."

He stares at me for a couple moments, his eyes full of concern and confusion, until the bell rings, and we both take our seats for math.

"Today, class, is the first day of your new assigned seats," Mr. Gideon informs. The whole class groans in response, but we all know there is no fighting a seating chart. "Okay, so I'm going to list off each group of four. So group one is Cecily, Tatiana, Camille, and Magnus. Group two is Gabriel, Sophie, Henry, and Charlotte..."

I look at Charlotte. She's at least somewhat happy with her group. But now, I have basically no friends left that I could sit with, unless you count Will. Just another great year of math for me.

"And finally, group eight is William, Theresa, Jessamine, and James," Mr. Lightwood finishes. "Okay, everyone. Go to your assigned tables."

I stand there in shock for a moment. Even after witnessing the events of yesterday, Mr. Lightwood still decides to have Jem and I sit at the same table? With Jessamine?

I slowly walk over to table eight, dreading the next hour. I slide into the seat next to Will, who is already sitting there, to ensure I won't have to sit next to Jem.

"Okay, class. Let's start this year off right. Who can tell me the definition of a derivative?" Mr. Gideon, begins his lecture for the day, and I begin to zone out. Not that he's a bad teacher, it's just that I can't concentrate on math now.

I keep on looking at Jem, to see if he's mad at me. I just don't know what's going on. But, throughout the whole lecture, Jem just looks at Mr. Lightwood, never even glancing at me.

About halfway through class, Will writes something on his notes and slides it onto my desk.

 _You okay?_ he writes.

 _Yeah, I just don't really know what I'm gonna do about Jem_ _._

 _I don't really know what the situation is, but you shouldn't feel bad for anything you've done._

I realize then that he still doesn't know Jem and I used to date. If he knew, he would have a much different view. _You know Jem and I used to date..._ I write back.

He looks at the paper for a second, a bit stunned. _I guess that makes sense... It kinda seems like he's in love with you..._

 _Do you actually think he is? Because he shouldn't. I think I've made it very clear that we are in the past, and that I will never date him again._

 _Yeah I do. Why don't you want to date him again tho?_

That was a loaded question, although Will didn't realize it. _Too much history between us..._ I respond. It's technically true, but really vague so he will still have no idea what I'm talking about.

 _You know, I think I have an idea for how you can get Jem to know that for sure..._

 _I feel like he already knows that... But sure, what?_

 _You could date someone else..._

I chuckle slightly. _Great idea, but it has one major flaw. No one would ever date me (especially after Jem)._

I watch him carefully as he writes his next response. It takes him a minute to respond, his face displaying how unsure he is. But finally, he passes the notebook back, and it reads: W _hat about me?_

 _Did you just ask me out on a date?_ I quickly scribble. Of course, that's very unlikely, but it almost seems like he wrote that.

 _Was it not obvious?_

 _No..._ I reply once again, still unsure of what he's asking.

 _I must of said it wrong... Well, I'll try again. Do you want to go out on a date with me?_

* * *

 **Author's Note:** As always, thank you so much for reading! Will Tessa end up going on a date with Will? How will Jem act towards Tessa? Keep reading to find this, and so much more, out! :)


End file.
